Eyeliner

For some reason, everyone gets this wrong.

First of all, eyeliner is meant to look good. Drawing a thick black line around your eye with little to no shadow does not look good. In fact, it looks fucking ridiculous. If the goal is to look like you have been hungover for the past 2 days, then congratulations, cause that's what you look like.

Eyeliner should enhance the eye shape. It doesn't have to be natural, but the end result should not make you look like you just got hit in the eye.

There are loads of different eye liners out there, but it boils down to 3 basic ways that it's applied (the rest of it is just marketing gimmicks): pencil, liquid, or cream.

Pencil eyeliner should be obvious. It's in a pencil shape. You either sharpen it or roll it up. Pencil eyeliner is the easiest eyeliner to use, as the product is the applicator. If you can use a pencil, you can use this eyeliner. The key to not looking like a whore (and to not using too much product), is to put the pencil on the side, as if you were using the pencil to point at something.

When you put the pencil directly in front of your face, not only do you block your vision, but you put yourself in danger. 

What will you do if your neighbor's rabid cat suddenly attacked you? You'd fucking poke your eye out, and that is no fun.

Cream Eyeliner (Gel, cake, whatever. Like I said, it's all a gimmick) comes in a pot and you apply it with a separate brush. This type of liner is easy in the since that once it's there, it's dry. You don't have to worry about the liner transferring from your lash line up into your crease because it wasn't dry.

Cream liner is highly pigmented, and it is great for dramatic lines, but also for a color pop. Cream liner tends to stay in place longer, so if you're planning a long day, this liner will be your best friend.

When you apply cream liner, the brush you use should not be super wide, and should have a fine point. There are TONS of brush choices out there, so what ever you're comfortable with will work.

Quick Tip: If you're trying to get the winged look, use an angled eyeliner brush. Cat eyes (a la Amy Winehouse)? go for the long, pointed brushes.

Keep in mind that using the brush is the same as using the pencil!


Liquid Eyeliner is the hardest to use, simply as it needs to try. If you're only going to use it to fill the lash line, you should be fine, but a dramatic line? Better learn patience first. Liquid eyeliner tends to have an applicator in the top, and should be used the same as any other pencil/brush around the eye.


Quick Tip: Cream and liquid eyeliners follow the same rules as mascara. Once you open it, it needs to be thrown away after 4 months. PINK EYE IS NOT SEXY.

Blush. You needs it.

Ok. Why is it that women go to put blush on, and suddenly become blind?

Bitches, you look crazy.

Let me elaborate:

Blush, rouge, cheek color -- whatever you want to call it is not to be used as a paint. Blush should add color, yes, but you fools are going overboard.

To start, please look in the mirror when you apply. Blush should not be concentrated solely on the apples of the cheeks, but should be applied on the cheek bones as well. Bring it up toward the temples for a natural look.

Blush should look natural. Not sure what that looks like? Put on everything -- I mean every fucking thing: outfit, foundation, shadows, liner, mascara and lipstick -- then put your blush on. That way you can see what is too much. You will allow the other items to anchor the look. The blush should not anchor your face (if you're confused about that, either focus on your lips or eyes. Never cheeks, never both).

Brown blush will go with everything (warm or cool), Brown blush should be applied on the cheekbones, and on the temple for a sunkissed look.

Pink (and all pink derivatives) blush goes with a cooler color palette, and should be placed on the apples of the cheeks, and up the cheek bones for a natural flushed look.

Peach (and all peach derivatives) go with a warmer look. Peach is pretty versatile. It can be placed on the apples, along the cheek bones, and on the temple. Be careful with peaches -- because they are sheer, it is easy to go overboard.

Quick Tip: Apply your powder blush with the same brush you use to apply your face powder. That way, in the very rare time after reading this you do fuck your face up, you can blend it out with your powder. 


Powder blushes look good on any skin type, but they look better on skin that is not super dry. The powder will cling to it.

Cream blush look better on drier skin, as it gives the appearance of moisture. On oily skin, cream blush can give the appearance of extra shine.


Powder blush should be applied over your face powder, as it will blend easier. Alternatively, cream blush will blend easier when applied directly to your foundation and then the face powder blended in.


Cream blush is applied easier with a foundation blush; just keep in mind to not get too much product on the blush. Cream blush will get brighter the more you fuck with it.

As always, when in question, ask your friends. If they are able to see you from Sears, you're doing too fucking much. No one should be able to see you from across a fucking mall. Do not be that old lady who does what she was told looked good in 1965. It does not look good anymore.

Foundation, concealer, powder. The basic face -- try not to fuck it up.

Foundation. Base. Whatever you call it, it gives your skin a fresh look, and gives you a clean canvas for your makeup to sit on.

And every fucking day, y'all fuck it up.

Let us start with the basics:

Concealer: That's right, it's concealing stuff -- scars, redness, acne, bruises, that hickey where you stupidly allowed some ass to mark you -- when used correctly, concealer can hide lots of things.

Foundation: That goes on top of concealer, to blend everything in, and to make your skin look completely blemish free, no matter what your blemish is.

Powder: Goes on top of foundation. Powder is to be worn daily, no matter your foundation's finish. Powder will set your makeup, so your collar doesn't look like you've not bathed in months. It blends things, like blush gone wrong. Powder will finish any makeup look, natural to you-look-like-a-whore.

Concealer Brush: obviously for concealer. we've talked about this before.
Foundation Brush or sponge: yes, for the foundation
Powder Brush (or hell, even a sponge): for, you guessed it, powder.


And imagine that, everything is in the order in which you should use it.

First things first, let's discuss concealer. Concealer is to be used on the hot-spots only. Otherwise you will look fake, and completely over-made up.

Concealer comes in many colors. Confused on which one to buy? Thought so.

Green: This color is for people with a REDNESS-ONLY issue, typically those with rosacea (Think you have it? Ask a dermotologist.) Use this in the reddest areas -- generally on the apples of the cheeks, and on the tip of the nose. Once you calm those areas down, the rest will look normal. You typically want to use about half a pea-sized amount on those areas. Don't worry if you don't get it all; it will be covered by foundation.

Yellow: This is for very fresh, mostly purple bruising. Yellow by itself does not blend well, so mix this with your skin-tone concealer. This is to go only on the center of the purple-ness, blended into the skin-tone concealer. Again -- yellow in the center, skin-tone on the edge. blend them in the middle. This will help cover bruising from cataracts surgery (cause it will give you a serious black eye), hickeys, sports injuries, etc.

Lavender and Rose: This is for yellowed or sallowed skin. You can also blend those nasty green-yellow bruises with this, as it will tone down that ugliness.

Skin Tone: Use this under your eyes, on scars and blemishes, and to blend as needed.


Foundation is next -- It can be in a liquid or a cream, water or oil based - I'll go into more detail next time on the types, but let's talk about how much to apply, and where to put it.

Foundation should be applied from the center out. Let's dumb that down: Start at your nose, cheeks, and the center of your forehead. Use your foundation brush. Ok, picture time.

This is a foundation brush. Notice that the bristles are two-toned. That is both aesthetic, as well as useful for you to not fuck up your face.

See how you can't see that the bristles are different colors? That's cause you're using too much product.

Notice how you can see through the product to the bristle? That's how you know you're not about to fuck up your face.

That's all you need to have on the brush. You can always go back for more, but it's harder to take product off your face once it's there. Also, by starting at the center of your face, you don't have to worry about that dreaded line that people get around their jaw.

See the line near her ear? Yeah, so do I. Not sexy. 

Finally, you want to set with powder. Preferably, use a color close to your makeup, as it can be used for easy touch-ups during the day. Drier skins should use their powder brush to dust powder on to set their makeup. Oilier skins should use a sponge or puff to press (DO NOT RUB YOUR POWDER, as rubbing will remove any foundation and all that corrective concealer that you just put there!) powder onto the face. Powder will collect any excess oil and will keep your face shine-free.

Yeah, they're from the same night. Get over it. Nicole, you have on too much powder. It's fucking EVERYWHERE. Your nose, under your eyes, your cheeks. Next time, grab a clean brush and blend that shit down! You look ridiculous!

I'll leave you with the following comparison.

Now I love Xtina. Everyone who knows me, knows that to be a fair statement. However, whoever is doing her makeup should be shot. The makeup to the left is very good (and yes, it is a tad heavy, but when one is doing stage makeup (ie, anything that needs to hold up to a shit-ton of lights), it tends to be heavier. But the image to the right? What the fuck, Xtina? You have gone from grown-sexy-girl-next-door to Jersey Whore. I can't even see your skin under that pile of product. 

Ladies, please. Do not walk around looking like a Jersey Whore.